*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
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I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.