mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
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There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
The smoothest fall of all time
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again