Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
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I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace