Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
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15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”