The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
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“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet