a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
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Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?