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[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it鈥檚 just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 馃檪
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I鈥檓 soooo hot I am DYING
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya ma帽ana, little iguana.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I could never be a therapist because I can鈥檛 hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Me: I鈥檓 tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I鈥檓 so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again