Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
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[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here