M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
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[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”