The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Can’t stop laughing
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.