May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
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Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.