[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
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“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*