I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
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*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.