If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
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[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.