I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
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My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
BRO LMFAO
Don’t tell me what to do
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Haha! 😂
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.