me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
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If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I saw nothing
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
No, YOUR illiterate.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
shit just got real
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.