i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
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Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!