‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
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Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
the greatest twitter interaction
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Dear Lord..
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.