The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Weirdly Wednesday.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
The Friday File.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.