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ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows