Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
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If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I have so many questions.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect