Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
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Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him