If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
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[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
#Caturday
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.