Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
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Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda