There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.