Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.