ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
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Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.