I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A