y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
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3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.