I should wash my van
We could use the rain
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Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.