[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
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Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?