This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
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It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now