People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
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dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
All generalizations are stupid.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.