Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
You Might Also Like
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
cats when you pet them too long:
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.