bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
You Might Also Like
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.