No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
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The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name