[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
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Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
That’s no pocket rocket.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
*pronounces patio like ratio
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Nose
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.