“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
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I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
No laws when master is gone
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
There’s always that one guy
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?