“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
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SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.