Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
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date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?