*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
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JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.