gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
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toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.