I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
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8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.