If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
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This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.