Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
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It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.