I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
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On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.