Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
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Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️