Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
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[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.