Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
You Might Also Like
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp