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[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
it is time once again
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)